


Ghosts

by SifaShep



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: AU, Akuze, Alternate Universe, Canon Divergent, F/M, commander li shepard, pre-shenko - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-22
Updated: 2016-03-22
Packaged: 2018-05-28 10:37:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6325690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SifaShep/pseuds/SifaShep
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The search for a missing scientist becomes more than personal for Li Shepard.</p><p>Mass Effect 1, UNC: Dead Scientists mission. This is a bit of an AU from that actual mission–this is where you meet Corporal Toombs from Akuze. This version of the Akuze disaster is different from the 'canon' version.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Li Shepard glanced up the door to her quarters hissed open. Kaidan Alenko walked in with two mugs of coffee. He placed one mug next to her and settled into the seat opposite her.

She smiled at him, for somehow he always knew when she needed the caffeine. It was almost a daily ritual between them, a mug of coffee or green tea in the mornings. Kaidan paid attention to those little details that others missed.

“Thanks, Kaidan.”

“Thought you’d need it." He caught her expression and frowned. "Whatever Admiral Hackett told you has gotten you worried.”

She managed a wry smile. “That obvious?”

“Only to those who know you.” He leaned forward with the mug in his hands. “What have you got there, Shepard?”

She took a deep breath and reminded herself why she’d called him here. She was his commanding officer; he was her Head of Marine Detail. By all rights, she should have had XO Pressly at this briefing, but Shepard wanted Kaidan’s insight about this. 

“Four scientists, working on the same project, all dead. One left, a Doctor Wayne. We’re supposed to find him.”

Kaidan’s brows shot up in surprise. “ _Four_? Way too many for a coincidence. Someone wants these people dead. Any idea what they were working on?”

Shepard called up the information on her pad and slid it across the table to Kaidan. He picked it up and studied it. “I had a hunch and requested details about the murder investigations. They’re obviously connected–”

“But?”

“It’s not just the fact that someone killed these scientists, Kaidan. It’s  _how_ they were killed.”

She watched him as he perused the information. He had become her lifeline, her rock, throughout these long months in space. She appreciated his quiet support, his gentle humor and his steady presence. She couldn’t deny the warm flutter in her heart. Her mind screamed against the feeling. There were regs, after all. He was her Staff Lieutenant; she was his commanding officer. Yet what she felt overrode her common sense.

_Not again. I can’t afford to do this again. Not after losing John._

She’d been down this road before, nearly seven years before, with another Alliance soldier, another Sentinel. Xian Hao Li and John Shepard. She had fallen in love and fallen hard.

Husband and wife for just eighteen months. Then Akuze. That attack had taken John and fifty-one other people. Li Shepard vowed never to love again, not after losing the man with whom she’d expected to spend her entire life.

 _Never say never_ , John chuckled in her mind. He would have liked Kaidan. The two would have gotten along.

 _Shut up, you._  Shepard heard John’s ghost laugh again in her mind. Nearly seven years after Akuze, and her dead husband still haunted her dreams.

 _It wouldn’t be fair to anyone, especially Kaidan. I can’t, **I won’t** compare him to the ghost of a dead man. _ At least that was what she told herself, despite her feelings for her Staff Lieutenant.

“Shepard?”

She blinked, her mind jolted out of the past. Kaidan’s grip on her arm tightened in concern. She shook her head and forced herself back to the present.

“You okay?”

She opened her eyes to see Kaidan’s hand on her arm. The intense concern in his eyes made her heart beat faster in her chest.

“Yeah.”

“This really bothers you, doesn’t it.” He frowned as he regarded her. “I don’t blame you.

“Sorry…just thinking.” She leaned over and touched the screen.  "Every one of the murders was done the same way. Quickly and quietly, with no witnesses. In fact, the last man died in his lab, with his whole team _just_ outside the door and no one saw the killer.“

Kaidan nodded as he scrolled down to the relevant text. “Yeah, I see that. According to the report, the only other way to get in was through a single ventilation shaft, ten feet **above** the door. Yet none of the team heard anything. It was only when the guy’s assistant tried to check on him that they realized he was dead.”

“It was a professional job. We’re not talking some merc off the street here.”

“You think it was an assassin? Someone with a vendetta?”

“Maybe.” Shepard sighed and rubbed her temple with her free hand. “Whatever these scientists worked on really pissed someone off enough to kill them.”

“And this Doctor Wayne’s the last one. We have to get to him before the killer does.”

She sighed again and reached up again to stave off the headache. Kaidan caught her hand before she did so.

“Shepard, when was the last time you ate? Or slept? You look like you’re about to pass out. Maybe I should get Doctor Chakwas–”

“No, no, I’m all right. I just need a nap.”

“Sounds like you need more than that.” He squeezed both her hands. “Go get some rest. It’s not going to do me– _the crew_ –any good if you end up in Medbay.”

She caught his unintentional slip and smiled a little. “Kaidan–”

“Go. to. bed. Please. If anything comes up, I’ll let you know, okay?”

“Fine, I’m going.” Her traitorous mind added, _I wish you could join me._  Shepard gave herself a mental kick for that remark. What the hell was she thinking?

After he left, she stretched out on her bed and closed her eyes. She was tired, that was all.

That was all it was. At least, that was what she tried to tell herself.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the beginning of Li Shepard's flashbacks to Akuze in 2177. We meet her husband, John Shepard and the crew of the Chandelle.

**2177, SSV Chandelle**

“Hey there, stranger. Long time no see.”

She smiled at the familiar image on the screen. Short-cropped dark hair, blue eyes, and a wide smile. He leaned forward with his chin in his hands. Her heart skipped a beat at the sight of him. _Damn, he's gorgeous._

Li chuckled at the greeting and played along. “I take it we’ve met before? I’d remember being swept off my feet by a handsome knight in shining armor.”

He raised his eyebrows. “Don’t tell me you forgot that last passionate night on Arcturus Station? The one where–”

Another voice broke into their conversation, sounding both amused and embarrassed. “Sorry, Lieutenant, you’re broadcasting on an open comm channel. We really don’t need details about your sex life, honeymooners.”

Li laughed and shook her head at the Chandelle’s pilot. “Then maybe you shouldn’t be eavesdropping on private conversations, Nick.”

“Wasn’t eavesdropping. Just your five-minute tick, Lieutenant.”

“Thanks, Nick. I’ll be off the comm in five.” She heard Nick sign off, then sighed. “Sorry, John. I spend all this time trying to set this up to talk to you–”

“Not your fault, Li. I know it’s really hard to find me. The life of a SpecOps soldier and all that.” John Shepard chuckled, and she imagined him reaching out to touch her cheek. “I miss you, Pretty Lady.”

“Yeah, Big Hero. Just don’t get yourself killed before I pay you back for the last time.”

“This next mission shouldn’t be too bad. We’re babysitting some colonists on Akuze. Security perimeters, that kind of thing. Not exactly thrilling, but it’s necessary if we’re gonna expand out here. Two or three weeks, max.”

“After the past six months, a little bit of boring would be good.”

“Yeah, but it’s the down time that’s hard, you know.”

“I know.” She knew exactly what he meant. Li missed her husband terribly. They had just celebrated their eighteen-month anniversary on Arcturus Station and she couldn’t wait to see him again.

“Hey, you know, my cousin’s been asking about you.”

She rolled her eyes at the abrupt change of subject.  “Blaze? The psychotic engineer? Miss Grenade-Launcher Happy?”

He laughed, but didn't correct her. Elizabeth 'Blaze' Shepard was John's red-haired, hot-tempered cousin. Li liked her spirit; most of the family were rebels and trailblazers in some way. It was just that some of its members were quieter than others.

“The same. Blaze has some new ideas on weapon schematics. Maybe you and Toombs can look ‘em over and give her some pointers? I’d do it, but I doubt I’ll have much free time.”

Li shook her head and smiled. When she married John, she had married the _entire_ Shepard clan, and that included Miss Grenade-Launcher Happy. Blaze was a brilliant engineer, if a bit on the pyromaniac side. John and Li completed the N-program at Rio, so Blaze had decided to start her own quest for the N7.

The brass wanted her to stay in weapons R&D, of course, but since when did a Shepard listen to other people who 'knew’ better? 

“Tell her to send 'em over. If I can’t review them, I’m sure Toombs would do it. She gets along better with him anyway.”

“I’ll tell her." An alarm sounded on John's computer and he glanced at it. "Well, we’ve just entered the system and we gotta get ready for planetfall. Talk to you when this is over.”

She reached over and touched his image with her fingertips. “Okay. Stay safe, Big Hero.”

He mirrored the gesture. “Always, Pretty Lady. I love you.”

“I love you too, John.”

There was a click on the other end and then static. Li sighed and closed her end of the channel. Dammit, she knew it was going to be difficult, but no one warned her it would be _this_ difficult.

A hand dropped on her shoulder. “It doesn’t get any easier, you know.”

She turned to see Commander Natalya Dimyakova. The Chandelle’s executive officer’s dark green eyes glinted in light of the comm room. It always reminded Li of a viper, ready to strike.

“Yeah.” Li straightened under the firm grip and wiped her face of emotion. “Comm line is free, ma'am.”

“Thank you, Lieutenant Xian.”

Li quickly left the comm room. Dimyakova still referred to her by her maiden name, Xian, although everyone else called her 'Shepard’. The exec disapproved of inter-service fraternization, much less marriage. There was little chance the Alliance would assign John and Li to the same duty station, though. Regulations made sure of that. Nevertheless, Dimyakova’s irritation was hard to miss.

Li shook off the dark shadow and headed for the mess hall. Toombs would be there, and he’d gladly look over those weapons schematics.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard arrives at Akuze...and the sight both surprises and concerns her.

**SSV Chandelle, 2177**

“Captain Valeen to Lieutenant Shepard.”

Li instantly woke up to the captain’s call. She found herself hugging her pillow to her chest, like usual. She sighed and spared a moment to bury her nose in the fabric. It still smelled like him. 

Then she took a deep breath and forced herself into a more professional mindset. After all, Valeen was a Turian, and expected that. “Shepard here.”

“Report to the comm room, Lieutenant. We’ve received a new mission.”

“On my way, Captain.”

Li expected yet another freighter in trouble or another dignitary in need of a ride home. The last month seemed to be packed with those kinds of calls. The crew speculated that merc or pirate activity was increasing in the Terminus systems. Li thought she would much rather deal with pirates than a spoiled politician. The Chandelle was an Alliance frigate, not a pencil-pusher's personal tug. If she had to deal with one more arrogant stuffed shirt, then she wouldn’t be responsible for what happened after that.

Fate had a strange way of surprising everyone.

Captain Valeen was the Chandelle's temporary commander, on loan from the Turian military. Li wasn't sure what to expect from a Turian; after all, they weren't that far removed from the First Contact War. His snow-white crest and mandibles framed a thin, craggy-featured face, like ice on a mountain. Privately, Li thought Valeen looked like a Turian Santa Claus.

Of course, Li would never tell him that. Turians didn't have anything close to a Santa Claus.

He gave each person in the room a cordial nod as they took their places around the situation table. Li sat directly across from him, as the most junior officer in the room. Commander Dimyakova sat on Valeen’s left, and Major Averett on Li’s right. Averett was the Head of Marine Detail and Valeen’s most trusted advisor.

Valeen got to the point without fanfare. “We’re headed to Pinnacle Station to pick up two security details. It seems that one of our colonies is expanding faster than anyone expected. A new ship full of colonists is due to arrive on Akuze in two days, as well as a freighter convoy carrying mining equipment.”

Li blinked. _Akuze? That’s where John is. He said he was only babysitting the colonists there…was there more to it than he let on?_

Dimyakova’s thoughts ran on the same lines. “I thought Akuze was just a minor stop at the entrance to the Terminus systems. The last I heard, there was only a token settlement there. Has there been progress on their development?”

Valeen frowned and said, "Preliminary reports say that the colonists had discovered a rich vein of raw materials just under Akuze's soil. The Alliance is interested in expanding operations there, and that means plenty of activity in the Terminus system."

The executive officer nodded in sudden understanding. “It is important to move quickly to claim territory in the Traverse. An Alliance presence is important in this sector. Although…I am surprised at the speed of this operation. This must have already been prepared for some time.”

"Perhaps a united front in the face of the galaxy trumps political infighting, for once," he replied in a droll tone. "In any case, our orders are to aid the expansion efforts in providing security.”

Major Averett cleared his throat. He was the physical opposite of  Captain Valeen: broad-shouldered and heavily muscular, as befitted a colonist from a high-grav planet. "And what do the Turians think of this, sir? They can't be happy."

"Your people tend to settle in the Traverse, where no sane Turian would even dream of doing," Valeen answered, with a note of dry humor in his tone. "Most of us think you're suicidal...or extremely brave to do so."

Averett made a face and replied, "Well, thank you. I think."

Li chuckled with Averett, but Dimyakova didn't even crack a smile. Valeen shrugged, nonplussed at his XO's lack of humor "We're more cautious...but I'm of the opinion that fortune favors the bold. Perhaps your people would well remind mine about the thrill of new conquests."

Li blinked at Valeen's honest assessment. That was the last thing she expected to hear from someone of Valeen's high repute. Perhaps it was good to remember that not all Turians thought the same. Perhaps if Valeen had been a major voice in his military thirty years before, the history between their people might have been different.

He stood up from the briefing table, the thin, lanky frame towering over the three Humans,  “Lieutenant Shepard, I’d like you to make sure those security squads are bunked down comfortably. It’ll be a tight squeeze, but we’ll just have to make do until we reach Akuze.”

“Yes, sir. We’ll make it work,” Li answered.

“In the meantime, Commander Dimyakova and Major Averett have some planning to do. You’re dismissed, Lieutenant.”

Li stood and saluted, then headed for the door. Averett’s voice stopped her. “Lieutenant?”

“Sir?”

“Give your husband my regards. He’s the one coordinating the Alliance effort down there, and he’s making the lot of us proud.”

She blushed, although she felt Dimyakova’s glare square at the back of her head. “I’ll let him know, sir. Thank you.”

*****

The airspace over Akuze hadn’t seen so much traffic. Shuttles transported new colonists to the surface, while tugs carried pre-fab walls for more houses. Li stared out the window of the Kodiak shuttle in sheer wonder. She thought this must be how the first colonies must have had their start.

“Unexpected,” Dimyakova murmured next to her, “but a welcome sight nonetheless.”

“Agreed, ma'am.” Li glanced over her shoulder at the security squad seated in the back compartment. She shared Dimyakova’s train of thought. It was happening fast, too fast…

_John, what is going on here?_  If he was coordinating everything on the surface, then he was the person to ask.

And Li needed answers.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Of course, things on Akuze go sideways fast...

**Akuze, 2177**

Colonization tended to be a logistical nightmare.  Corporations like Exogeni wanted the buildings placed at their whim, not where it was most practical. Pre-fab housing didn’t go up overnight, and security plans rarely took the local flora and fauna into account.  Li was glad she wasn’t in colony development. All the demands, all the fuss, all the headaches of getting people and supplies where they were most needed…it was enough to make her scream. She was more of a take-charge, get-things-done type of person. Deciding things in a committee ground things to a frustrating halt.

How did John handle all the details?

“He issues orders and they follow it, ma'am,” one of the colonists told her. “If they have a problem with it, they can go to hell. And, uh…that’s a direct quote, ma'am, it’s not meant to be an insult to you.”

“It’s all right, I understand,” Li answered with a dry chuckle. “No offense taken.”

At least the issue of settling the security teams was quickly resolved. Li made the rounds and made sure they were comfortable in the temporary barracks. Then she walked from the barracks towards the temporary command center. Akuze was still a small settlement, a group of pre-fabricated buildings around a public gathering space. Li counted less than a total of thirty original colonists.

Most of the newcomers were Alliance support staff. Li paused at the top of a hill and watched as miners offloaded their equipment from transports. Most of the extra personnel returned to their ships in orbit, but as soon as more pre-fabs went up, they would stay longer. Akuze was definitely nowhere as big as Terra Nova or Armstrong City, but there was the potential.

She thought, _Five years, maybe even less. This could be the start of something wonderful. Even the largest metropolis began from a group of humble buildings._

The sun was low in the sky by the time she returned to Commander Dimyakova. The blonde-haired woman glanced up from her master screen with a nod. “Good work, Lieutenant Xian,” Dimyakova said. “I’ve just finished the duty rosters for tomorrow.”

Li nodded and sat down next to the commander. She counted no less than five data pads around them. "This isn't just for the main settlement?"

"There are a handful of scientific outposts around the planet, but this is the only settlement of any significant size."

“It looks like the Alliance is planning something big for Akuze, but I had no idea how big."

“Indeed. The Alliance must _really_ want to establish a strong presence in this system. This kind of quick response is unusual, but hardly surprising, considering the circumstances. It means this system has something that interests the Alliance. Still…”

“Ma’am?”

Dimyakova chewed on her lower lip as she thought. Li could see the wheels turning in the XO's head. “Such rapid development still requires weeks, months of negotiation and planning.”

Li sat back and considered it. Had John been involved in those negotiations in secret? It seemed like overkill to bring in a N7 SpecOps commando to oversee a colony expansion. Granted, John was good in planning operations; it helped in the missions on the field during N7 training, but still…

_Keep it simple. The more complicated an operation, the more likely something can go wrong,_ John had said once.  _Have a clear objective, get what you need to get it done, and get the damn thing done._

After all, who else could break into a secure weapons depot with a set of Christmas lights, a pack of rubber bands, a drained power cell and a bird caller? Li quietly snorted in laughter at the memory. If she hadn't been there herself, she wouldn't have thought it had been possible.

All joking aside, this whole colony expansion wasn't as simple as it looked. There _had_ to be more to it and the more she thought about it, the more uneasy she felt.

Corporal Lucas Toombs stuck his head into the makeshift command center. “Lieutenant Shepard, you got an incoming call. It’s your husband. Says he really needs to talk with you.”

She glanced up at Dimyakova, who nodded permission. Li followed Toombs to the comm array in the next room. He touched the control pad with one hand.

“Got audio only, Li, but we should get video up and running by daylight. Damn atmospheric disturbance.” He pushed some buttons. “Hey, John, you hear us?”

“Loud and clear,” John answered, and Li couldn’t help but smile at his voice. “Mind stepping out for a few, Lucas?”

“Not a problem, long as I get a couple of minutes to transmit my analysis of Blaze’s designs. Christ, that woman’s an evil genius. Brilliant as hell, but insane.” Toombs grinned widely and made a show of stepping away from the console. “He’s all yours, Li.”

“Hi, love,” she said. “Wasn’t expecting to hear from you so soon, but I’m not complaining.”

“Same here.  Believe me, I was surprised when they told me the Chandelle was carrying security support for Akuze. We’re definitely gonna need it. All this activity will attract a whole lot of unwanted attention.”

"Yeah, that's definitely a concern. I don't blame you guys requesting more security."

"Believe it or not, that actually was one of the big issues, but they decided the reward was worth the risk."

“Speaking of…you’re running this show? I didn’t know they’d tapped you for this...when did you get involved?"

John laughed, but she heard the ironic humor. "A while ago, actually. Someone up high decided to make this their pet project and needed people who didn't let red tape get in the way."

"Really."

“I’m not really the head honcho, but…when you get a reputation for planning things and getting them done despite the odds, well, you get ‘asked’ in a way you can’t really refuse. Besides, once the real experts arrive, I’m back to my day job. Good thing, too. I don’t mind the challenge, but even _my_ patience has limits.”

She laughed. If _John_ was starting to get frustrated with things... “Better you than me. I would’ve pitched the whole lot of them out the airlock.

“Which is why I really don’t see you doing anything like this. Trust me. I have a lot more respect for the people who do this for a living. Speaking of, they’ve given me a couple of days down time, as a 'thank you' for organizing this logistical nightmare from Hell.”

“Are you proposing a stolen getaway, Lieutenant? Can’t keep away for long, can you?”

“Why should I, when you’re right there?” He laughed again. “I’m about nine hours away at Selway Outpost, but I should be at your location by daybreak. Once I check in with the Powers That Be, I’ll be free for the next twelve hours.”

“Looking forward to seeing you, John.”

“Yeah, me too, Li. Gonna take any break I can to spend with you.” His voice took on a more humorous tone. “I’ll see you at morning light. Can you send Lucas back in here? I’m sure he thinks I’m nothing more than a depraved lunatic.”

Toombs rolled his eyes as he leaned in the doorway. “I didn’t say it. Of course, I would’ve used less comm-friendly words–”

“But you were _thinking_ it. I can _hear_ it from here, and I’m nine hours away.”

“Go to hell, Shepard,” Toombs replied, but he grinned as he said it. “Get some rest while you can, Li. You’re gonna need it.”

She gave him a rude gesture, which brought another spate of laughter from Toombs. As she left the room, she overheard Toombs saying, “You married a spitfire, John. Smart as a whip and doesn’t take any crap.”

Her smile faded as she headed back to the control room. As usual, John said more by what he didn’t say. This assignment hadn’t been voluntary, Someone From Above had placed him in the ideal spot to either a) get information or b) keep an eye on things. His logistical experience was a convenient cover, and it definitely gave the public a positive image to see civilians and military working so close together.

Was Akuze meant to be a huge Public Relations symbol, as the shining star of the Traverse? Li winced. That kind of thing had the tendency to go sideways fast.

At least it gave her the chance to see John again sooner than she expected. Li definitely couldn’t argue with that.

*****  
A tremor jolted her out of pleasant dreams. She sat up in her cot and blinked sleep from her eyes. A second tremor, then a third one, and a fourth. The ceiling above her cracked and buckled; she stumbled out in time to avoid a huge piece of plaster on her head.

“Earthquake!” Toombs yelled. “Everyone out before the building collapses! Go! _Go!”_

Li wasted no time. She directed one of the security squads to the exit. By the time she reached Commander Dimyakova, the center of the settlement had become controlled chaos. Some of the newly arrived colonists fled back into their shuttles, while others tried to contain the random sparks from electrical wiring.

“No record of previous seismic activity!” Dimyakova shouted. “This is not a natural quake!”

“Security is canvassing the settlement. We have electrical fires and structural collapses all over the place.” Li hung on to the edge of the console for deal life. “Civilians are being evacuated as fast as we can get to them.”

Toombs managed to reach their side. “Workers trapped in sector three-C, Commander!”

“Get over there, Corporal! Lieutenant Shepard, we have back-up coming in from Chandelle to help with the evac…get people out of here!”

The radio crackled. “…sixteen people under debris…sector three-C…need medical support…”

Li pounced on the comm. “Toombs is on his way, John.” She nodded at Toombs, who scrambled back out without another word.

“…-cknowledged…pretty bad on this side…evac shuttles needed–”

“Divert two shuttles to his location, Lieutenant. We have another two headed for the staging point on Kayvas Hill. Get over there and keep those people safe.”

“Commander-”

“I’ve got to stay here and keep Captain Valeen appraised of the situation. Go!”

Li saluted and fled, hoping against hope that everyone–including John, Toombs, and Dimyakova–would be safe.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter of flashback. The destruction of Akuze is swift and brutal, but somehow Shepard survives.

**Akuze, 2177**

Kayvas Hill overlooked the Akuze settlement. It wasn’t the highest point of the planet, but it made it the perfect staging area. A permanent spaceport was still months away, but the Alliance used the location to its advantage.

Now the spaceport would never be built. Huge cracks split the earth and dirt rose to the sky. Li’s helmet filters overloaded, unable to keep up with the debris. She coughed and choked and tried to get enough air into her lungs.

“Lieutenant! The shuttles are coming in hot! There isn’t enough stable land to make a normal pick-up!” The flight ops officer had to yell directly into her face because she simply couldn't hear through her helmet.

“Have everyone ready to board in a second’s notice. We don’t have much time–” Another tremor knocked everyone off their feet. A gas line ruptured and fire raced down the runway. It expanded, scorching everything it touched.

“Get the civilians back!” She tapped her helmet comm and hoped the rescue pilots could still hear her. “All pilots, abort landing! Abort landing, we have a fire on the runway–”

A shadow boiled out of the earth, right in the middle of the settlement. Li’s head snapped towards that direction. Her mouth dropped open in horror as a tentacled form rose out of the smoke. An ear-splitting yowl pierced the air; she clapped her hands over her ears. The damn thing was  _huge_. It swiped to its left and upended pre-fabs like mere toys, with screaming colonists trapped inside. A mining crane tumbled end over end and landed in a group of temporary shelters. 

“What the hell _is_ that?” the Flight Ops Officer yelled.

The creature reminded Li of the Chinese Dragons from her childhood…crossed with a centipede and a lobster. It reared back its head as if a siren call summoned it. Then it shuddered once and breathed out a foul-smelling liquid. Not fire, but something far worse. It sizzled wherever it landed and threw up obnoxious clouds of poison. The comm line erupted into panicked shouts and screams, sharp whistles of the acid projectiles striking flesh and stone.

The fumes drove her backwards, back towards the control tower. Panicked civilians tried to get away however they could, by foot or by aircraft. Li couldn't see the commander center; that entire side of the settlement lay covered by a gas cloud. Even if Dimyakova had escaped the ruin, she might have been overcome by the acid.

**“Fall back! Fall back! Don’t let it touch you!”**

Li’s heart broke as she heard the one voice above all the others. _No!_

“JOHN!” she screamed.

**“I love you, Li! Remember that! I love–”**

She heard a terrible screech as the line was disrupted, then silence. The monster continued to bathe the ruins of Akuze with its fury. Buildings razed to the ground, bodies twisted in its wake, the smell of ash and destruction. What was a symbol of hope for the Alliance now lay destroyed in less than an instant.

The monster swung its head around. Li knew what was coming and snapped at the Flight Ops Officer, “Get everyone under cover, now!”

“Ma'am!” he shouted and ran. Others managed to shake off their shock and fled for their lives. Li pushed the crippling pain from her mind; she would mourn later.

_John. Lucas. Natalya._ How many more? No one could have survived the onslaught. The military forces here were prepared for mercs, pirates, slavers. No one could have predicted an acid-breathing, tentacled monster.

_Add another one to the Spectre Handbook._ The thought struck her as oddly funny and she held back a snort of laughter. It was something John would have said.

**Would have said**. So painfully final. John was dead, either crushed or burned by acid. Her mind shied away from the fact. As long as one person survived, his death wouldn’t be in vain.

Li reached a tight knot of survivors huddled behind a ruined hangar. It was out of direct sight of the monster, so she hoped it wouldn’t see them. She put a hand on the Flight Ops Officer’s shoulder.

“This is all I could round up, ma'am,” he said. He looked up at her–God, he was young, so young–“Everyone else…they’re gone, ma'am.”

“Good job, Mister–”

“–Tennyson, ma'am. Like the poet.”

She chuckled; it sounded like an old joke. It brought a small smile to the man’s face. “Tennyson the poet. We can get through this. As long as we stay out of sight, hopefully, it’ll miss us.”

“Yes, ma'am.” He was shaking; they all were. “Ma'am, for what it’s worth…I’m sorry.”

She nodded, unwilling to face that yet. “Thanks.”

The ground trembled again as the monster’s roar split the sky.  Another piercing whistle hit the air and the cracked concrete to Li’s right exploded in a geyser of shards. Her lungs burned as she tried to take a breath. She couldn’t see through the tears in her eyes, couldn’t hear through the terrible echo.

_Was this what he felt? Right before the acid ate away at him and death closed his eyes?_  She felt herself fall, but there was nothing, no pain, no agony. Her body rolled into a fallen girder–probably from the hangar–and lay still. Her mind wanted to fight, to torch that monster into ashes, but her limbs refused to work.

_Wait…that really **is** something on my legs. Not something. Someone. More than a few someones._ Her sluggish mind finally registered the fact that she now lay under still-warm bodies. A thread of panic finally kicked her body into gear. Li thrashed around, clawing her way out of her grisly pocket just enough to make a gap large enough to get air.

But her strength gave out long before she could pull herself out all the way.

They were all dead anyway. It was only a matter of time until she joined them.

She closed her eyes. John was waiting for her. That was all that mattered.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The search for a missing scientist becomes more than personal for Li Shepard.
> 
> Li Shepard’s tragedy at Akuze. An unexpected surprise on Ontorom turns everything she believed about Akuze upside down. This chapter is a bit longer than usual, with a surprise twist at the end of it.

**Normandy, 2183**

“Shepard?”

Li blinked and took a deep breath. She tore her gaze from the window to meet Kaidan’s. The amber-brown eyes reflected the horror of her story. Next to him, Garrus was just as motionless. She suspected Joker of eavesdropping on the comm as usual, but the Normandy’s pilot kept his mouth shut.

Joker did have some sense of tact, especially with a subject like this. There were no words to describe the events of that day.

Strangely, it was Garrus who spoke first. “How did you _ever_ get out of there, Shepard?”

She took another shuddering breath. “The Chandelle alerted the Fifth Fleet and they immediately sent support. They landed at Kayvas Hill. One of their squads found me, half-buried under the others. I had second-degree burns all over my body, broken ribs, shattered pelvis…I was more dead than alive.”

“That kid…Tennyson, and the others, they didn’t make it. You’re the only one who did.” Garrus made it a statement and not a question.

She nodded; Kaidan’s hand tightened on her shoulder. “Fifty two Alliance Navy and Marine personnel, including Commander Dimyakova, Corporal Lucas Toombs…and John. They weren’t able to find all the bodies. That acid was strong enough to dissolve duranium. A human body wouldn’t survive a direct blast of that stuff. We didn’t—we had to bury an empty coffin.”

“Spirits,” Garrus murmured. “[No wonder you were hell-bent on wiping out every thresher maw we ran into.](http://sifashep.tumblr.com/post/136058328657/thrashing-the-thresher-maws-part-1-of-2) We were worried about you. Wrex and Ashley, too.”

Kaidan only drew her into his shoulder and held her. Shepard couldn’t cry; she had already shed her tears for John, and all she felt was a hollow emptiness in her heart.

“I’m so sorry, Shepard.”

She only nodded again, but didn’t pull away. Two and a half years of recovery, another painful year of physical therapy, all the questioning, all the psychological analysis…Shepard had been so close to walking away from the Alliance altogether. Luckily, three people had convinced her otherwise.

Steven Hackett, David Anderson, and Hannah Shepard. Hannah had lost her only son on Akuze, and she had been determined not to lose her daughter-in-law as well. Hannah had never really known just how close it had been.

_And if I’d walked away, I would never have met Garrus, or Wrex, or Ashley._

_Or Kaidan_. She closed her eyes and relaxed into his embrace. For the first time in years, she felt…safe. It was an odd sensation, but a welcome one. Kaidan knew when she just needed a friend. 

Joker cleared his throat. “Uh, Commander, we’re on approach to Ontorom, ETA five minutes.”

She drew back, the spell broken. Kaidan let her go, although with reluctance.  Aloud, she replied, “Any comm chatter from the surface?”

“Nothing yet, but sensors have located a building not far from one of the landing zones. If your scientist is on-planet, he’s probably there.”

Shepard took a deep breath. “Got it, Joker. Kaidan, Garrus, report to the launch bay.”

*****  
 **Ontorom, 2183**

Shepard expected the mercenaries. The other three scientists had been targeted and executed without mercy. If this Doctor Wayne was involved in something illegal, then it made sense to hire mercs. Quick, dirty, and untraceable.

She hadn’t expected to see the man who held the gun to Wayne’s head.

“ **Toombs?**! Corporal Toombs?”

The shock blazed white-hot down her throat and choked her voice to a whisper. The man wore a dull gray-green armor, the same as any mercenary from the Terminus systems. His helmet obscured most of his features.

But the voice was the same. Almost.

_It’s not possible. Toombs died on Akuze! How can he be here?_

Shepard lowered her weapon, just a fraction. Toombs’s arm didn’t waver, even as his eyes widened in surprise. She tried again, but her voice broke again with emotion. “Lucas? It’s me. It’s _Li_.”

Garrus and Kaidan stood behind Shepard, ready to react at a second’s notice. Pain creased Toombs’s broad features, but he seemed to call on some inner strength.

“Li ?” The whisper grated on her nerves. All the pain, all the horror was packed into her name. “Oh my God. _Li_. You’re–”

“ _Alive?_ ” They both spoke the word at the same time. Shepard shook her head and when she spoke again, it was with the calm tones of a superior officer. “Put down the gun, and we’ll talk.”

Toombs’s grip tightened on his pistol. “No! You don’t understand what they’ve done to me! To _us_!”

The scientist, Doctor Wayne, glared at her with wild eyes. “Shoot him! He’s crazy!”

“Shut _up_!” The corporal hit Wayne on the side of the head with his pistol. Garrus moved forward a step, but Shepard raised a hand to stop him. Wayne cried out in pain and crumpled at Toombs’s feet, injured but still alive.

Shepard took a step forward, but Toombs’s pistol snapped towards her. The corporal’s hand shook, but the rest of his body might as well have been carved out of marble. She tensed, ready to launch a biotic Pull to take it out of his hands, but he spoke again.

“You don’t understand, Li. He’s _Cerberus_. They lured the thresher maw to us; they used us as experiments!”

“Cerberus?” Shepard wanted to become sick to her stomach. Admiral Kahoku and his men. They had been lured in with a distress beacon…to a thresher maw nest.

She should have seen the connection. Damn it, she should have seen it.

It was Akuze all over again.

“What happened to you?”

Toombs swallowed hard and recounted how the Cerberus scientists had been delighted at his ‘survival’. A lab rat, injected with thresher maw venom just to see its effects on the human body. Constant needles, constant DNA samples. Anti-toxins, hormone replacements, genetic re-tailoring. A super soldier, capable of withstanding even a thresher maw attack.

“Oh God,” Kaidan whispered.

Shepard’s eyes burned with tears. _The bastards. I can’t believe it they did this in the name of science._ They had avenged Kahoku by destroying Cerberus’s bases on Binthu and Nepheron. She hoped her dead friends on Akuze rested easier now that they, too, had justice.

_John. Oh, my love…_

“How did you escape, Corporal?” Garrus asked.

Toombs laughed with a hint of madness. “Someone already took down Cerberus. It wasn’t hard for us to get away in the chaos.”

Shepard nodded in confirmation. “We took out their bases, Lucas. Cerberus won’t continue their experiments. You’ll be safe.”

“We tracked every one of their scientists down.” He jerked his head at Wayne. “He’s the last.”

“'We’?” Garrus asked. “You had help.”

Toombs smirked. “Of course, I had help.”

“Mercenaries,” Shepard guessed, “like the ones outside.”

“The mercs were just for security, Li, so no one could stop us. The Alliance wouldn’t believe us; the brass didn’t want any reminder of their failed attempt at Akuze. Their worst public relations embarrassment for the decade. Have you wondered why the Council tried to limit our expansion into the stars? All they had to do was point at Akuze.”

“No one could have known about the thresher maw,” Garrus pointed out quietly.

Toombs glared at Garrus. “ _Cerberus_ knew. They set it up so they could study it, see what it could do. We got 'em, Li, every damn one of those scientists, but him.”

“We can tell the Alliance, Lucas. Set the record straight. Let everyone know what Cerberus did to you. They can’t hide anymore.” She took a deep breath. “If you kill this man, you kill any chance of anyone else believing your story.”

“Li–”

“I’ve _seen_ what Cerberus is capable of. I believe you. We were squad mates, Lucas. Let me help you.”

Toombs lowered his pistol, and Shepard thought she was getting through to him. Instead, he looked her straight in the eye and said, “Revenge is a good motivator, when you have a reason for it.”

With that, he took a single step sideways.

Doctor Wayne screamed as a blue biotic field jerked him up into the air. Brute force slammed his body into the nearest wall. Wayne went limp, but a second Throw tossed him into the opposite wall, and this time, Shepard heard his skull shatter. The body dropped to the floor.

She felt the air tingle with another wave of biotic power. Toombs wasn’t a biotic, so whoever it was–

This time, she didn’t hesitate. She gestured with one hand and yanked Toombs out of the way with a biotic Pull. Garrus tried to help Shepard subdue the corporal. Kaidan quickly threw a defensive Barrier around all of them.

Toombs howled in their grasp like a madman. He jerked to and fro, hands clawed at their armor with almost superhuman strength. Shepard winced at a hard elbow to the stomach that drove the air out of her lungs.

_What the hell did they do to him?!_ His outraged screams rang in her ears, just like at Akuze, and it took her an effort to focus on the here and now…

_the cries of the dying, just barely audible over the screech of the thresher maw, the stench of burned flesh, where the acid ate away at corpses on the ground…she couldn’t move, the bodies piled high all around her, they lay heavily over her legs and pinned her down…_

Shepard grabbed his arm and wrenched the pistol away from him. “Toombs! Stand down! That’s an order!”

The corporal breathed heavily, one of his hands under his ribs. Kaidan scanned him with his omni-tool. “We need to get him back to the ship, Shepard. He’s–”

“–dying,” Toombs rasped. “Yeah, your medic’s right.”

“ _Shit_ , Lucas–”

Shepard heard the scrape of a boot on the floor. She whirled around as Garrus brought up his sniper rifle and Kaidan protected Toombs with another barrier. Garrus indicated the corner of the room.

She aimed her own pistol in that direction. “Come out, nice and slow. No biotic tricks or I’ll send you flying. Show yourself.”

A shadow revealed itself from behind a stack of crates, heaviness in every step.

Her pistol fell from suddenly nerveless fingers. _Oh my God. No…it’s not possible…_


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of Ontorom. Shepard has a promise to keep.
> 
> Thanks for reading. ~Sifa

**Ontorom, 2183**

_His blue eyes sparkled as she came closer to the front of the room. Somehow he’d managed to clamp his jaw shut to keep it from dropping, but as soon as their eyes met, he broke out in a wide smile. She mirrored the smile; he wore his formal blues, with the new N7 designation, and she thought he was the most handsome man in the world._

_Captain Anderson’s mouth twitched in humor. The entire room stood as she halted in front of them. The simple red dress was all she could find on such short notice. John didn’t seem to mind._

She couldn’t see him as he was now. 

The infinite pain, the sadness, the dread at seeing her. His knees buckled under him, but she caught him before he collapsed. His skin burned so hot, both with overworked biotics and the sickness that coursed through his veins.

“John,” she whispered softly. “It’s okay. I’m here. I’m here.”

His hand shook as he lifted it to her face. She grabbed it and pressed his palm against her face. Somehow, he managed a smile.

“ _Li_ …God, I–”

“Sssh. Don’t talk. Save your strength.”

He shook his head slightly. “No. It’s too late…for me. Had just enough time to…get it done. For Akuze. You gotta understand, Li,”

“Why didn’t you let me know you were _alive_? I could have–” Her voice broke. Six-nearly _seven_  years of mourning, seven years of agony. All the emotions bubbled out like a geyser, despite her efforts. Sadness, pain, _anger_. Why did he hide from her?

“Not much time. Didn’t want you…to hate us…hate _me_ …for what I needed to do–” He gasped and struggled to keep his eyes open.

“I could never hate you, John. Never.” She glanced sideways at Kaidan, who knelt at her side. Kaidan’s expression only confirmed what he saw on his omnitool.

“I have something to ease the pain, sir,” Kaidan offered. “If you want it.”

He nodded, just barely. He managed to turn his head and meet Kaidan’s eyes. Li thought she saw a flash of…something. Sympathy? It was hard to tell. Kaidan’s face was carefully closed off, neutral, though he also seemed to feel John’s unspoken question.

Then the moment passed. John shifted restlessly in Li’s arms. “Thank you—”

“Staff Lieutenant Alenko, sir. Head of Marine Detail, SSV Normandy.”

“Thank you, Lieutenant Alenko.” He sighed as Kaidan gave him the sedative. Li felt some of the tension leave his body, but it wasn’t enough. “Lucas?”

Garrus made a noise of sympathy from the back of the room. “I’m sorry, he’s gone, a couple of minutes ago.”

Li squeezed her eyes shut. _Damn Cerberus!_ She wished she’d found the organization years earlier. Maybe Lucas and John would have had a chance…

“Hey, hey, Pretty Lady. It’s okay. At least…I got to see you before…”

She managed a smile at the old nickname, but her heart was breaking into pieces. She held him closer to her. “I…love you, Big Hero.”

“…go on and…live…don’t stop living…promise me…”

“John–”

_“Promise me!_ ”

“I promise. I will.”

“Love you, Li…”

Long minutes passed as he finally breathed his last. Li sobbed unashamedly into his shoulder, not caring who saw her. At that moment, she wasn’t the strong Commander of the Normandy. She was a widow grieving her husband all over again.

Kaidan reached over and closed John’s eyes. He glanced over at Garrus; the Turian turned his face away. A low keening vibrated softly across the room. Turians didn’t cry the way Humans did, but Garrus added his grief in his own way.

“I’m sorry, Li,” Kaidan whispered softly. He squeezed her shoulder. “I’m so sorry.”

*****  
 **SSV Normandy**

“I don’t know what to say, Commander. All I can do is offer my condolences.”

Shepard stood stiffly at the FTL console. Admiral Hackett’s image hovered on the receiver, but light-years of space couldn’t erase the sorrow on the older man’s face.

“I appreciate that, sir.”

“Corporal Toombs and your husband kept meticulous notes about their clandestine operation. They provide crucial intelligence about other Cerberus operations. We’ll analyze it and mobilize Special Forces when needed. We still need you to pursue Saren, but I’ll personally make sure that John’s death isn’t in vain.”

“Again, much appreciated.”

Hackett hesitated, but he went on. “You’re the sole inheritor of all of his property, Commander. I understand his mother passed on a few years ago.”

“She never knew he was still alive, sir. Maybe it was for the best.”

“Perhaps. Hannah never recovered from her son’s ‘death’. But we owe her for keeping you with us, Li.”

She heard his switch to her first name, a rarity for Hackett. “Yes, we do. I miss her.”

“He wished to be buried in the Shepard family plot…do you still–”

“Yes, sir.”

“Captain Anderson and I will make the arrangements, then.” Hackett took a deep breath. “Will you be all right?”

She didn’t answer for a long moment. Then she answered, “I will be, sir. Eventually. He wanted me to live and not mourn for the rest of my life. I’ll get there…but it hurts right now. I spent nearly seven years believing he was dead, and seeing him like that at the end…but at least he’s at peace now.”

Hackett sighed again. “I want you to talk to Doctor Chakwas, okay? And Lieutenant Alenko. This isn’t just your superior officer asking, but your friend.”

“I…will, sir.”

“All right. I’ll call again soon. Hackett, out.”

His image disappeared. Despite herself, Li’s mouth quirked into a smile. _Okay, that was the most awkward conversation._ Her smile faded and she gripped the railing next to the holo-imager. Suddenly, she felt so alone, more alone than ever. Silent tears finally slid down her face and dripped onto the floor.

At least here, she could drop the facade of confident strength, because God only knew she didn't feel it right now. Yes, she hurt, but she had a promise to keep. She owed it to him to live. Saren was still out there, a threat to everyone and everything she held dear. Saren needed to be stopped.

The door chimed once, twice. She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and called out, “Enter.”

“Commander?” It was Kaidan. “I can come back later, if–”

“No, no, it’s all right, Kaidan.” She looked over her shoulder and met his gaze. His eyes reflected his concern for her, but he hesitated. She didn’t blame him.

“You okay?” He walked forward and put a comforting hand on her shoulder.

Shepard nodded. She gave him the same answer she gave Hackett, but this time, she _meant_ it.

“I will be.”

**FIN**


End file.
